


something other than hitting on women

by arthurslegacy



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Gay Sylvain Jose Gautier, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, an overabundance of em dashes, pre-sylvix, sylvain & mercedes's friendship is everything to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27421165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthurslegacy/pseuds/arthurslegacy
Summary: Sylvain is gay, but he's not happy about it.
Relationships: Sylvain Jose Gautier & Mercedes von Martritz
Kudos: 13





	something other than hitting on women

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted gay sylvain and i also wanted sylvain & mercedes being friends so here's this short thing

Sylvain had been plagued by demons from a young age. Not like Dimitri, no—Sylvain dealt with Miklan first, then with bouts of emptiness and a deep, aching sadness. He was lonely by himself and lonely with his friends, and no matter how many acquaintances and girls he kept around, it wouldn't ease up. He hid it easily, so skilled at pushing down emotions others found distasteful. Laugh, deflect, move on.

Girls had always been easy. He wasn't nervous around them, found them easy to talk to and easy to flirt with. Even as a child it was girls, girls, girls for Sylvain. It was expected, by both society and his father; it was Sylvain’s duty to one day carry on the Gautier line, a fact of which he was very well aware. He got his first girlfriend when he was only eight, and she was cool, but he'd rather spend time with Felix.

Sylvain spent his first time with a girl knowing it wasn't supposed to be like this. The emptiness came back in full force, but he hadn't heard about that feature from any other guys. And it felt like that every other time after, so Sylvain knew there was something wrong with him. This was something to hide; Sylvain had always fit in, had always been good at making friends and knowing how to stay liked even when he said the wrong things. He wanted it to stay that way.

Sylvain knew he was fucked up, okay, he _knew_. Growing up with Miklan as a brother would mess anyone up, and no one else seemed to have a hole inside of them (a fact which certainly didn't help the loneliness). He was dealing with it. (He wasn't.)

In reality, Sylvain was staying out all night in the cold without warm clothes, not focusing on his classes, ignoring his problems, stringing girls along (though he couldn’t feel too bad about that when _they_ only wanted him for his Crest and social standing)… Things weren’t looking great for him.

✰

Things changed for Sylvain after the war. He finally had time for himself, and he knew he had to utilise it and spend it on some growing up. It started, though, when his feelings for Felix changed, or at least became clearer. He could no longer ignore that he felt around Felix what he'd never managed to feel around girls; his best friend made his heart race and his palms sweat, and there was nothing he loved more than annoying the shit out of him and listening to him snap. Felix was difficult in the way girls had never been, but he was also easy in familiarity and ages of affection.

When he realised what it meant, he felt sick. This was forbidden; this was bad. He liked women, he liked their—well, their what? What had he ever liked about them? They were beautiful, sure, but he'd always felt so disconnected from them. He didn't have sex nearly as often as he let people believe, and when he did it was boring and brought back the hole within him. Maybe the strange, awful squirming feeling he got from thinking about fucking women meant—well, maybe it was discomfort. So he tentatively thought about men that way, and it was easier, freer. But it also brought with it a feeling of shame, so deep within him he feared he could never dig it out. Liking men _fit_ , but that didn't mean he had to be okay with it.

Now he worried that everyone knew, even though he carried on as he always had. What if his father could see right through him? What if he was disgusted by him? Surely not, for he would've confronted him by now. Now more than ever his father expected a marriage and an heir, and Sylvain felt sick knowing he could never provide him one of those things, perhaps even both. It weighed on him heavily until finally he turned to the one person who always understood: Mercedes.

“Oh, Sylvain! I wasn't expecting you. Come in, get out of the cold!” She ushered him in and removed his coat before hugging him tightly.

“Hey, Mercie, it's good to see you. You're looking as beautiful as ever.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Did something happen?” Mercedes sat down on the sofa and tugged Sylvain down with her, turning to face him with earnest eyes.

“What if I just wanted to see your lovely face?”

“You look upset,” she said, ignoring him.

Where he normally would deflect, Sylvain was ready to be honest. It’s what he came here for. “All right, yeah,” he said, not so easily as he made it sound. Mercedes raised her eyebrows but didn’t comment. “It’s about—well, something that’s been bothering me. But I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“Start from the beginning,” Mercedes suggested.

Where was the beginning? Was it when he was eight and first noticing that he had to notice girls? Was it when he was twelve and had his first kiss? Maybe it’s when he was first having empty sex at sixteen, or maybe he should say _fuck all that_ and start with his feelings for Felix. It was all so confusing, and he couldn’t pinpoint any moment he first knew he was… different. Moreover, he also needed to tell someone about the hole inside him, needed Mercedes to help him patch it up.

He decided to start at the present instead. His heart was pounding, he feared his words wouldn’t come out when he opened his mouth, and he felt like he was dying. Sylvain took a sharp, deep breath, let it out shakily, and said, “I like men. Only men.”

“I see. And this is hurting you?” Mercie asked, not otherwise reacting. Why wasn’t she reacting?

“Um, yes? It’s not allowed. It’s… it’s bad. It’s gross.”

Mercedes suddenly drew him into a hug. As she squeezed him tightly, she said, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Sylvain. This is normal.”

He squeezed her back. “It’s not normal, and my father isn’t going to be happy when he finds out.”

“You'll deal with that when the time comes; don't dwell on it. I know, easier said than done. But he won't be around forever.”

“I have obligations; he requires things of me, and they’re things I can’t deliver now that I—like men.”

“Someday, Sylvain, you’ll be margrave, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. You can let go of your obligations and live your life the way you need to,” Mercedes said, pulling back only to get Sylvain to lie down and lay his head in her lap. She began playing with his hair and said, “And I look forward to the day you get to be a leader in your own right.”

Sylvain relaxed a little. It was true, his father wouldn’t be around forever. But how long until he was free of his cruelty and demands? “There’s more. For a long time there’s been this… emptiness inside me. It’s not natural either.”

“It’s probably the repression. Once you start living true to yourself, I think you’ll find that hole easing up. I felt it too—I’m not sure if you know, I like women as well as men.”

Sylvain’s eyes widened. This whole time he thought he’d been alone, and all along Mercedes had been— _like him_. “I-I didn’t know. I thought it was just me.”

“You’d be surprised. You should speak to Linhardt, too.”

“Maybe,” he said doubtfully. “I haven’t told anyone else; I’m not sure I’m ready to open up. I only came to you because I panicked.”

Mercedes laughed softly. “I know. You’re still Sylvain, after all. And I meant what I said—when you stop trying to hide yourself all the time, your quality of life will improve a lot. I figured it out later too, and once I told the people I cared about it really felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.”

“Thanks, Mercie. For everything.”

She smiled. “Don’t thank me before I’ve made you some sweets.”

Sylvain smiled back. He still had a long way to go in figuring out how to love himself, but this was a start, and Mercedes would always be there when he needed her. Someday he'd be ready to tell Dimitri, Ingrid, and Felix. Things could be looking up.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twitter at @arthursiegacy


End file.
